I feel like just about every issue in my book of issues has been triggered this week. Motivational issues, family issue, friendship issues, treatment issues. I'm not sure what my problem is. Whatever the case, I'm feeling very sensitive.
There's the possibility that some of the issues that have come up for me are just distractions from other issues. I'm pretty stressed out in general. The only issue of mine that has had any circumstantial changes in it is that my Dad is having a biopsy today and my brother is in town to take him for that procedure. If the biopsy results indicate problems then it could be a pretty bad thing. So that's stressful. And having my brother in town is also a huge stress for me. It's a long story as to why that's an issue and not something I want to get into. Anyway, maybe all these things are coming up because I'm just generally stressed
And then I'm trying to manage without Day Treatment now. I was just officially discharged from that program a few days ago. I'm suppose to meet with the therapist I see 2x a week for a while. I'm suppose to see her today but her office just called and said she won't be in the office until noon so has decided to cancel my 11:00 appointment today and will see me next week. So, I'm trying, with little success, to not be triggered to totally reject her for that. I can understand if a person is sick or some such thing but coming in to work 5 minutes after the appointment they would have with me is a little harder to digest. Especially considering the week I've had. But whatever, I'm sure it must be something important. I shouldn't be so dependent and clingy anyway.
This week has been a bugger for me with self care. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Maybe it's just hormones or something. I know I'm really tired. I wish we hadn't gone camping this past weekend. It seems like that was the point that really pushed me over the line with my motivation and attitude. Then I came home from camping and found out about the issues with my dad. I'm just out of my self care routine entirely. All week I can't seem to regroup.
I guess the upside to not meeting with the therapist I see is that I finally have a morning to myself. Even though I'm suppose to have mornings to myself every day, I don't think I've had one all week long. The kids didn't have school one day, I volunteered at the school one morning, I had a therapy appointment another morning. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to catch a morning off. And my in laws are out of town for several weeks. They usually watch the kids for us part of the day on most Saturdays which obviously isn't happening. And they won't be back until next week. So at this point, I feel like things were less stressful over the summer months.
So, I guess I'm under stress. And all I want to do is curl up in bed. And as much as I know I should do something else, I don't have it in me to do something else right now.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Ruminating
I'm having trouble with ruminating this morning. I have a particular friend that tends to trigger my ruminating. I can see her for 5 seconds and I'm triggered. Which means, I probably really need to look at myself and what my issues are.
I became friends with this gal a couple years ago. We live in the same community and we were raised in the same conservative religion. So we seemed to have much in common. Back then she seemed nice enough. She's a bit more affluent than we are but not dramatically, at least not then. She's very attractive and has always been the type to be overdressed and more formal and sophisticated than is necessary, but I easily blow that kind of thing off. I feel like I'm relatively at ease with my financial self and don't feel that intimidated by affluence. I don't usually find materialistic people very interesting but I don't feel threatened by them.
Over the past couple years this friend of mine has morphed into something I don't even understand. They bought a new BMW and she wears labels from head to toe now. They got a housekeeper and a grounds keeper and their kids are all in private schools and lessons. She has her own special stylist and manicurist, and now even a gal she goes to for massage. And of course that's beyond the breast implants and laser treatments and all that she'd done. They belong to "the club" downtown but of course need a local club membership as well for the days they can't make the drive in. They jet of on trips to here and there and talk in great detail about the affluent places they stay at. They've bought property in another state just because they could and talk a lot about donating money to various causes.
So, clearly they're pretty affluent and clearly they like that to show. If she were this way when I first got to know her I probably wouldn't have invested much in a friendship with her because she wouldn't have seemed very authentic to me. I can handle affluence though and have tried to continue my friendship with her as if nothing has changed but it doesn't seem to be working, at least not for me.
We do live in a pretty nice community so I'm use to the materialism around me. I'm not that kind of person though. We keep things very simple in our lives both because we don't feel we can afford the high end lifestyle and because I don't enjoy wearing labels. Wearing labels makes me feel like I can't be seen. Or it feels like I'm trying to say "look at me and my BMW and my $300 sunglasses, this is who I am and what I'm about," when it's not who I am or what I'm about. Anyway, it's been hard to regroup friendship wise with this gal so constantly as she turnes into this person. They've changed so much over the past couple years I feel like I don't even know her anymore. When we first got to know them they were homeschooling their kids and living much more low key. Or maybe we just didn't see before.
So, I just deal with it. I don't spend much time with her anymore. I think I trigger her to be more like this. She still lives in her religious community, and I don't. She's not a part of the general community that we both live in. I was one of her first friends in this community that wasn't a church friend for her. I think her friendship with me has kind of pulled her into the more general community as I've introduced her to a lot of my friends in this area. She's very intimidated my the community we live in and has told me so. So I think our relationship has pushed those insecurity buttons for her. She's only willing to be friends with people that are much beneath her because she says she feels too intimidated by her equals. She won't hang out with people from this area basically because she can't dominate them. Many in our community are more affluent and more beautiful than she is. In her little church community she's the top of the crop, so to say.
Anyway, so our daughters spend time together still. I've been trying to be open to that even though I don't really enjoy spending time with this gal anymore. I don't want my daughter to loose a friend because I don't get along with the mother. Her daughter is much like her though and tends to want to dominate my daughter. My daughter doesn't seem to mind or try to stand up for herself. My daughter doesn't seem to really care, which kind of bugs me but that's a different issue.
The issue that triggered me yesterday was that I asked this friend of mine if she was going to get Halloween costumes for her kids this year. She hasn't in the past because they've been religiously opposed to celebrating Halloween. And I understand. It's not a hard and fast rule from the religion we share. It's about half and half that are willing to do things on Halloween. The very rigid conservative refuse though. So she said no they're not planning on dressing up for Halloween but they were planning to rent a place out for a mother/daughter party that week, a non Halloween party of course.
I respect my friend's value about that issue. I would never put her down about it or criticize her but it's hard with the kids. Last year her daughter told my daughter that they don't dress up on Halloween because.....(insert all the details about how horrible Halloween is). This is a conversation between 8 year olds. And she said it in her normal totally proud arrogant way. And I'm proud of her daughter for standing up for what she believes or at least what her family is teaching her. Of course that puts my husband and I on the spot with our kids, but whatever.
The thing is, my friends values don't add up. One the one side she's so hyper religious and ultra conservative about things and seems to pride her self on such things. But on the other hand she role models complete arrogant, self centered, shallow, materialism to her kids every day. For me, it's completely against my principles to role model such things to my kids. I refuse to teach my daughter that our bodies aren't good enough or that I need labels to pump myself up or help me deal with my insecurities. But I would never in a million years tell my daughter that she needed to tell my friends daughter that we don't drive a BMW because it's against our values. It's true that it is against our values but, it would be hurtful. But they are so darn proud of their moral high horse that we just have to suck it up so they can go along comfortably in their pretension. What the fuck! So, I'm ruminating about it.
I became friends with this gal a couple years ago. We live in the same community and we were raised in the same conservative religion. So we seemed to have much in common. Back then she seemed nice enough. She's a bit more affluent than we are but not dramatically, at least not then. She's very attractive and has always been the type to be overdressed and more formal and sophisticated than is necessary, but I easily blow that kind of thing off. I feel like I'm relatively at ease with my financial self and don't feel that intimidated by affluence. I don't usually find materialistic people very interesting but I don't feel threatened by them.
Over the past couple years this friend of mine has morphed into something I don't even understand. They bought a new BMW and she wears labels from head to toe now. They got a housekeeper and a grounds keeper and their kids are all in private schools and lessons. She has her own special stylist and manicurist, and now even a gal she goes to for massage. And of course that's beyond the breast implants and laser treatments and all that she'd done. They belong to "the club" downtown but of course need a local club membership as well for the days they can't make the drive in. They jet of on trips to here and there and talk in great detail about the affluent places they stay at. They've bought property in another state just because they could and talk a lot about donating money to various causes.
So, clearly they're pretty affluent and clearly they like that to show. If she were this way when I first got to know her I probably wouldn't have invested much in a friendship with her because she wouldn't have seemed very authentic to me. I can handle affluence though and have tried to continue my friendship with her as if nothing has changed but it doesn't seem to be working, at least not for me.
We do live in a pretty nice community so I'm use to the materialism around me. I'm not that kind of person though. We keep things very simple in our lives both because we don't feel we can afford the high end lifestyle and because I don't enjoy wearing labels. Wearing labels makes me feel like I can't be seen. Or it feels like I'm trying to say "look at me and my BMW and my $300 sunglasses, this is who I am and what I'm about," when it's not who I am or what I'm about. Anyway, it's been hard to regroup friendship wise with this gal so constantly as she turnes into this person. They've changed so much over the past couple years I feel like I don't even know her anymore. When we first got to know them they were homeschooling their kids and living much more low key. Or maybe we just didn't see before.
So, I just deal with it. I don't spend much time with her anymore. I think I trigger her to be more like this. She still lives in her religious community, and I don't. She's not a part of the general community that we both live in. I was one of her first friends in this community that wasn't a church friend for her. I think her friendship with me has kind of pulled her into the more general community as I've introduced her to a lot of my friends in this area. She's very intimidated my the community we live in and has told me so. So I think our relationship has pushed those insecurity buttons for her. She's only willing to be friends with people that are much beneath her because she says she feels too intimidated by her equals. She won't hang out with people from this area basically because she can't dominate them. Many in our community are more affluent and more beautiful than she is. In her little church community she's the top of the crop, so to say.
Anyway, so our daughters spend time together still. I've been trying to be open to that even though I don't really enjoy spending time with this gal anymore. I don't want my daughter to loose a friend because I don't get along with the mother. Her daughter is much like her though and tends to want to dominate my daughter. My daughter doesn't seem to mind or try to stand up for herself. My daughter doesn't seem to really care, which kind of bugs me but that's a different issue.
The issue that triggered me yesterday was that I asked this friend of mine if she was going to get Halloween costumes for her kids this year. She hasn't in the past because they've been religiously opposed to celebrating Halloween. And I understand. It's not a hard and fast rule from the religion we share. It's about half and half that are willing to do things on Halloween. The very rigid conservative refuse though. So she said no they're not planning on dressing up for Halloween but they were planning to rent a place out for a mother/daughter party that week, a non Halloween party of course.
I respect my friend's value about that issue. I would never put her down about it or criticize her but it's hard with the kids. Last year her daughter told my daughter that they don't dress up on Halloween because.....(insert all the details about how horrible Halloween is). This is a conversation between 8 year olds. And she said it in her normal totally proud arrogant way. And I'm proud of her daughter for standing up for what she believes or at least what her family is teaching her. Of course that puts my husband and I on the spot with our kids, but whatever.
The thing is, my friends values don't add up. One the one side she's so hyper religious and ultra conservative about things and seems to pride her self on such things. But on the other hand she role models complete arrogant, self centered, shallow, materialism to her kids every day. For me, it's completely against my principles to role model such things to my kids. I refuse to teach my daughter that our bodies aren't good enough or that I need labels to pump myself up or help me deal with my insecurities. But I would never in a million years tell my daughter that she needed to tell my friends daughter that we don't drive a BMW because it's against our values. It's true that it is against our values but, it would be hurtful. But they are so darn proud of their moral high horse that we just have to suck it up so they can go along comfortably in their pretension. What the fuck! So, I'm ruminating about it.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Discouragement
My kids are home from school today. Just a "teacher's work day" or something. It causes me some anxiety to have them home. I feel stressed that I might not be able to handle it. It seems to be going okay though. We went out for some shopping and lunch with "daddy" for a while and now they're playing together fairly nicely.
I'm having a pretty discouraging time lately. Everything seems to be hitting me wrong. I'm being too sensitive and assuming the worst about things and people. I'm having a hard time getting myself motivated to do the self care I need to and it's a real struggle to keep up a daily routine. I feel really miserable and overly needy. I don't know what my problem is. Depression? A poor attitude? Discouragement? Maybe I'm reacting to not having the support of Day Treatment anymore. But I really don't want to go there anymore.
All I want to do right now is curl up under a blanket and sleep or zone out or watch television. My brain just wants to turn off. And I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed to even write on my blog because I set it up to help keep me going in the right direction. But all I want to do is slip into all my old thought patterns. I'm just too tired and disorganized to keep myself up.
I even want to quit therapy. I feel rejecting of it. I feel dependent and needy and ashamed. I'm so clingy it's humiliating. So I'm miserable, why should I need someones support to be this way? Why be miserable and needy. If I'm going to be miserable the least I could do is do it alone and have some pride left. I can't figure out why I feel so needy. I am alone in life so why dilute myself into thinking otherwise. It's only a distorted set up for more lose.
Obviously I'm not in a very good place right now. I'll try to do better in my next post.
I'm having a pretty discouraging time lately. Everything seems to be hitting me wrong. I'm being too sensitive and assuming the worst about things and people. I'm having a hard time getting myself motivated to do the self care I need to and it's a real struggle to keep up a daily routine. I feel really miserable and overly needy. I don't know what my problem is. Depression? A poor attitude? Discouragement? Maybe I'm reacting to not having the support of Day Treatment anymore. But I really don't want to go there anymore.
All I want to do right now is curl up under a blanket and sleep or zone out or watch television. My brain just wants to turn off. And I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed to even write on my blog because I set it up to help keep me going in the right direction. But all I want to do is slip into all my old thought patterns. I'm just too tired and disorganized to keep myself up.
I even want to quit therapy. I feel rejecting of it. I feel dependent and needy and ashamed. I'm so clingy it's humiliating. So I'm miserable, why should I need someones support to be this way? Why be miserable and needy. If I'm going to be miserable the least I could do is do it alone and have some pride left. I can't figure out why I feel so needy. I am alone in life so why dilute myself into thinking otherwise. It's only a distorted set up for more lose.
Obviously I'm not in a very good place right now. I'll try to do better in my next post.
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